2009 has been, in general, not the best of years and not the worst. 2009 had its good moments but the bad overwhelmed all, shadowing it with its darkness and negativity.
Threads have been cut and others weaved. Old links terminated and new ones created. Some I was sorry to lose and others without a second thought. This is life as it goes on.
However, there is a force in my life, which I couldn't until recently get rid of its negative power which pulled me down emotionally and mentally; sucking out the energy and life in me. I have wondered why it hasn't been severed a long time ago? With all that went on, with all the mental and emotional abuse. This link should have been cut and recut a thousand times, but I held on in hope that someday it would ease up on me. I would be something to this force. I would mean something to it. I had to learn it the hard way with the final blow. A blow which has drove me into depression and self doubt. Making me question whether I made the right choices in everything I did in my life. You see, this force is a part of my life, but never the decision maker. If it could, it would tell me when to breathe and when not. But I live my life on my own terms. The way I like it. Putting myself and my family first. To this force it is unacceptable and very nerving that it couldn't have power over me. It needs to make the decision for me. It needs to control my thoughts, my choices and life. It is the only way this force could thrive. The more I resist it the more aggressive and abusive it becomes.
It is good at hitting a person in his/her moment of weakness, like the worst of poisonous snakes. When you're open and raw, it sees where it will hurt you the most and it strikes! And strikes! and strikes! Until you bleed, drowned in your uncertainties and questions if you were ever right in doing this or that, or are you wasting your time, and this force has always been right. The more vulnerable you become the more it hits you again and again, Bam! Bam! and the more you hurt the more it feels good about itself.
Thus, driving me into the final act of self destruction.
I woke up after a week of wallowing, wondering where I went wrong, and questioning the what ifs! But then it hit me, I did take some of "its" advice from time to time, and none of them were good or ended well. At one point, I ended on the brink of death, lying in the ER bleeding uncontrollably, while a nurse was yelling in near my ear, "Itshahdi ya Dalal." And I was dazed from loss of blood, not afraid of death, but cursing myself for listening to this force in the first place! I knew nothing good came out of these self absorbed advices. I might die now, without seeing my child just to please this force. No matter what I do it will never be pleased, because this force is never satisfied. I should never forget this bit of memory. It is a reminder that nothing good comes from this force's mouth. It lives in this bubble it created for itself shallow and limited. If you give it all the gold in the world or even your kidney, it is never enough and never good.
It was time to sever this line. Some people don't understand why I did it? Some thinks I've exaggerated the whole situation. I've reached self-destruction. I've reached self-doubt. I even reached a point of harming those who mattered to me most. This isn't me, was never me. I'm a person who knows what she wants, positive and practical. I demand the same respect I give you. I have never questioned the decisions I've made in the past. I have never doubted myself. I have never been broken. When this force hits you, then remember me. Remember I never exaggerate, and I was right.
I cut the lines. I severed it completely. I feel no emotion, no regard. Not even a memory. Even if I pass it in the street, it has become insignificant to me.
I feel light in heart and spirit. The last three months of this year were looking up to me. They are good and promising next year, if God is willing, will be a good year for me, and my family.
I Thank God for his blessings, giving me a husband who loves and respects me unconditionally and unquestionably and whom I love and respect unconditionally and unquestionably. He is my rock like I'm his pillar. I Thank God for my healthy boys and may he protect and bless them always. I Thank God for giving me a purpose to go on in this life. I Thank God for my lovely friends.
May God bless us all! Happy New Year!
